The sadness chronicles…
A little over 13 months ago my father died. I was not ready. As I struggled with the depression and the darkness, I wrote this down to save my soul…..Not sure I’m saved…yet…hahahaha! Only time will tell, but as my heart still aches, it doesn’t feel like it is being torn apart. We always think we have so much time…we do not.
“Sometimes it is not the single weight of a grief that causes a collapse but a multitude of small griefs, over the years that we have amassed into a single weight, so heavy, the soul can shoulder it no more, it struggles, under the weight, and falls.
It is this intense weight that the bearer carries, every day, that eventually brings death to all light, sadness to all joy, dark to all light, the search for something that no longer exists, but once did, the sadness in knowing, it was never true all along.
The realization that one never knew, all along, the weight one was carrying, the lies, the untruths of a lifetime, that caused the fall, into oblivion.
Did it start at birth? or did it slowly amass it’s power over life by the little lies, and half truths, the past ,never to be reconciled with the future, unleashed the torment of tears and sadness, knowing it was you, and you were never enough, even from the very start. Do we perpetuate it having children. So much hidden from children, so much weakness and deceit, hidden, only to surface later as a torrent of sadness and disbelief.
We are never enough, we are mortal, we are weak, we seek what we want with little regard to even those we proclaim to love. We are nature, in all it’s truth and lies, driven by greed, hormones and desires. We are loved and cared for, even praised, when we say the right things and promise the right things as children, only to realize later, they would hold you to your 6 year old’s promise, or cast you aside and disparage you when you did not deliver in cruel manners, with cruel words that cut to the bone.
Yet, around us, the beauty is astounding. Do we weep for that beauty. Knowing man, and woman, are self destructive. We hear the call of the loon, haunting, melodic, sad, yet not. Where do we go? Where do we run? How can we hide?
Yet, why does it all come flooding back, the insecurities, the truths, the lies, knowing that what someone wants at the moment has nothing to do with their long term thoughts, we think, yet, but then, the dawning…the truths, the tears, the betrayals, the lies to cover the fear and sadness of our choices? Will we ever know, can we ever be actually truthful, or are our mistruths simply the road we ride, or road we are ridden on.
If that is case there is no truth, no right, no wrong, simply our decisions. Are we selfish, are we liars, are we saviors if the truth is kept hidden, or simply cowards not willing to deal with our lives and the massive web of lies we weave every day? In the end, are we simply content to tolerate one another. I see it, the animosity and the barbs, it hurts, and I am not the intended victim, or is it a victim? Did they bring this on themselves? We go back to the blame game humans are so fond of…
No one seems to want to know the truth. Our minds are so busy, so much imagination, often misdirected in the worst and hurtful ways. Our paranoia runs deep, yet here we stand, feeling alone, not belonging to anything, not having the memories, that have changed from dark to somehow cheery. The people that tormented us in the past have FINALLY received us with open arms…what treachery is that? Or is it our deep longing to belong, to something, at any cost. We will forgive and prostitute ourselves to “belong”.
I don’t…belong to anything. I have no ties, no school memories, I didn’t go. I was different, I was shunned, because I was different. I have no desire to know those that shunned me, or establish any form of friendship, or relations with those that had such cruel cutting words to describe me, and how I was so”odd”, that being polite.
I can’t fall into the small banter and lies that so many people say, every day, every moment. I wonder if their entire lives are a lie? It makes me feel, sad, betrayed when the lies are about me…they come so easily to some lips, slide too effortlessly off those lips.
I’m not sure I want to be here many days. My clan is gone, dispersed, if it ever existed, I am but a memory. That does not mean I feel weak, sometimes I feel rage, mostly at the societal lies…ah, those lies….and here I sit alone, wondering where my tribe might exist, if it does. Or am I destined to wander, looking, yet not wanting really to connect, because, my reality seems to be so far away from those that surround me. I long for the open quiet spaces, where no human talks loudly, where there is a form of silence, nothing man made…just the sound of the earth with no human intervention. These are the places of my childhood and later, places of peace. Places I long to be.
Yet here, the firefly outside spends it short life flitting back and forth. Creating a beautiful light I watch, and wonder. When I die, I want no requiem, no service, no words, I simply want, as I have always wanted…to be left in a quiet spot far from human kind….
Where does it come from, the rage. The anger, the mistrust of humans. Perhaps I see it all around me, the deceit. I feel as if I am in limbo. Human beings able to convince themselves, if it is for your, or your family, it is OK to cheat, or,steal, or mislead others for your own personal gain. Maybe this is the free market economy trickle down. Everyone out for themselves and their clans. Look innocent, naive, you’re fucked….without the benefit of intercourse the old joke goes.
Maybe I’m just angry my father died? That I didn’t make the time to know him better. That all the other drivel in my life meant more, or are we simply caught unaware of times passing, or we are too busy to notice, too tired to care, or too excited about a new adventure. I am angry at myself, my weakness, my faults, my mistakes, my inability to deal with my anger…is it a never ending cycle being an orphan now?
These are the sadness chronicles…..”